work, gah.
September 24, 2003 01:59 PM

So last week I was at a conference and I worried the whole time that something huge would happen while I was gone. Something baaad.

But then nothing happened because of the whole hurricane deal. And I'm annoyed at everyone for not getting anything done.

I'm also annoyed with people who are supposed to be setting directions and making decisions who turn around and ask me what I think, and let my individual opinion rule in the absence of anyone else understanding what we're talking about. I can get too analytical sometimes, but if I'm not explaining things in terms you can understand, let's take a minute so I can show you. Then you can actually decide, you know?

I suppose that allowing what I think to drive a decision must mean the decision isn't that important, but if it impacts a lot of people, isn't it important by default? Maybe I lack perspective, I don't know.

And maybe it was just being gone for awhile and coming back, or maybe it's a symptom of something broader, but I feel very much like throwing up my hands and stepping away this week. It's tiring.

I read an essay in Breeder! where a woman talked about working all day and wishing sometimes that she could just be a cosmetics counterperson. You know, go home and don't bring anything but free samples of pretty stuff with you.

Yes. I could love that.

But you know, I think I'd just get overly involved in whatever scene my place of work might be. And I'd always wonder what was wrong with me and why I wasn't ultimately fulfilled.

News flash. A job isn't ultimately fulfilling, period. People need complexity and balance. You know, lives.

I can't help thinking one day I'll forget that I've been consciously choosing this all along and I'll flit away to start a wacky small business or go back to non-profits. And I'll be surprised when that's not ultimately fulfilling, either.