blame it on me.
March 21, 2003 05:24 PM

Milli Vanilli told you to Blame it On The Rain
but if you blame it on the rain tell me
what can be gained so, if all else fails you can blame it on me.

I have this problem.

Things go wrong, I blame them on me. Some time ago, eris talked about procrastination as a symptom of fear. A lot of what she had to say ties back to the idea of defeated perfectionism, of having ideas so big and bright you fold in on yourself in light of the potential to not realize them.

I could relate to that at points in the past.

Now, I have a different problem: blame.

I've talked before about my internal locus of control as if it's something to cherish. And it is, to an extent, the core of me. I couldn't be me without the feeling that my world is shaped by me.

I don't usually need to be encouraged to move or change, for instance. I weigh things carefully, I decide. I know my decisions are important, that I have power. I don't fear that others will stymie my ideas.

No, I just worry that I'll screw things up somehow.

I don't exactly sit around thinking "I'm going to screw something up. I know I will. I know I will. I suck." No. I wait until I do fail, usually in some minor way, and I shred myself for it. I am completely unforgiving. Every failure, however slight, is a sign of my greater, essentially unworthiness.

Worse, from a career perspective, I eagerly take the blame for any failure with which I'm vaguely involved. Working in a political climate that tends to reward insistence and defensiveness, my self-blaming heroics are self-destructive on a whole new level.

Not that I sit at work, or even at home, thinking "I'm unworthy, I suck, I'm bound to fail". Just, when I do fail - it's virtually impossible for me to think of it as anything but my fault.

And I'm working on it. I've been working on it for a long time, enough that I've managed to completely blame others on a few occasions when I was somewhat at fault. But I still have to work at it.

TrackBack
« history of the girl, part one | Main | little losses »
/-->
in this section
present
past
back to archives
October 2004
August 2004
June 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
June 2001
March 2001
February 2001
January 2001
December 2000
August 1996
August 1995
July 1993
April 1993
August 1992
May 1992
October 1989
July 1987
January 1987
September 1984
July 1982
more info
email me
design by seven ten
about the site wicked thoughts edge of the season arts links we have brains