financial disaster?
January 31, 2003 07:21 PM

I am a financial disaster.

I don't know why I'm so convinced this statement is true, but I believe it. This is in part a result of my idiotic post-college financial behavior, which pretty much consisted of postponing real responsibility for later. I can add the excuse that I was struggling with student loans, working a non-profit job - but, honestly, I was just waiting for later.

Well. Now is later.

I've been planning to buy a new car for awhile, it's the first truly big, adult financial decision I've made (my investments in 401-k-ness aside, as they're sponsored by the companies I've worked for). But the stupid financial mistakes I made when I got started a few years ago mean that the whole car-buying (or rather, car-paying - process will be much messier than it needs to be. If I buy the car now, when I want it.

The realization of this led me to pretty much flip out last week. Those of my friends who think of me as strong and daring would be embarassed to know how thoroughly I can wallow in self-hate. I am an idiot, a financial disaster, a bad person, &c.

So. I changed my mind (mind change sponsored in part by my ignorance of taxation, the result of which being that the bonus I got from work is smaller than expected). I'm not buying a car - not yet. I don't yet need a car; mine functions fine as it. But more importantly, I need not to set myself up with a responsibility I'm convinced I can't handle.

There's an alternate plan: I'm using the bonus to boost my flagging savings plan, and to pay off some debt, thus making future car-buying (in say, a year) easier. It's a good plan. It's probably the right plan, for now.

But I still feel like I've failed.