shouldn't have, but anyway
December 11, 2002 04:49 PM

I had to get fat to get okay with my body.

I don't mean this in a fatalistic sense. God, fate, my daemon, etc. may or may not have been involved with the making of fat me. Chances are, the making of fat me had much more to do with my abuse of my body when I was younger.

And here's the kicker: I've almost always thought I was fat. Even though I haven't always been same. Imagine the time I could have saved on not thinking I was fat when I wasn't.

That time, wasted or not, is gone.

And I'm here. And the thing is - I don't think I'm fat anymore. Or rather, I don't think I'm all the crazed connotations that go with it. I am fully aware of my actual, physical fatness. I've been rather fixated on that fact of late, to be honest.

Things are wrong with me. I'm sad and I'm tired. But it's not about my body. Or my relationships. It's about work, both what I do as a career and what I do as an artist. It's about not knowing where I'm going and not being sure what questions to ask.

And I worry. I worry that I'm too effected by minutiae. That I keep wanting to sleep instead of go to the office.

And I'm a bit of a vindictive bitch. Meaning, I profit emotionally sometimes from the failings of others. But whatever. Most of the time, I blame myself for their failings, so I suppose delighting in them might just be progress.

What I'm not is worried about my weight. It's not a non-issue, because you can't be fat in America and have it be a non-issue all the time, no more than you can be most anything in America and have it be a non-issue. But it's pretty much not an issue. I am so happy about that.

I shouldn't have bothered with diets or food that didn't taste good or what other people thought of how big I was around. It didn't make me happy. It never would.

I shouldn't have waited this long to get here.

« i. love. christmas. | Main | sorrow and dread »
in this section
back to archives
October 2004
August 2004
June 2004
March 2004
February 2004
January 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
September 2003
August 2003
July 2003
June 2003
May 2003
April 2003
March 2003
February 2003
January 2003
December 2002
November 2002
October 2002
September 2002
August 2002
July 2002
June 2002
May 2002
April 2002
March 2002
February 2002
January 2002
December 2001
November 2001
October 2001
September 2001
August 2001
June 2001
March 2001
February 2001
January 2001
December 2000
August 1996
August 1995
July 1993
April 1993
August 1992
May 1992
October 1989
July 1987
January 1987
September 1984
July 1982
more info
email me
design by seven ten
about the site wicked thoughts edge of the season arts links we have brains