shouldn't have, but anyway
December 11, 2002 04:49 PM

I had to get fat to get okay with my body.

I don't mean this in a fatalistic sense. God, fate, my daemon, etc. may or may not have been involved with the making of fat me. Chances are, the making of fat me had much more to do with my abuse of my body when I was younger.

And here's the kicker: I've almost always thought I was fat. Even though I haven't always been same. Imagine the time I could have saved on not thinking I was fat when I wasn't.

That time, wasted or not, is gone.

And I'm here. And the thing is - I don't think I'm fat anymore. Or rather, I don't think I'm all the crazed connotations that go with it. I am fully aware of my actual, physical fatness. I've been rather fixated on that fact of late, to be honest.

Things are wrong with me. I'm sad and I'm tired. But it's not about my body. Or my relationships. It's about work, both what I do as a career and what I do as an artist. It's about not knowing where I'm going and not being sure what questions to ask.

And I worry. I worry that I'm too effected by minutiae. That I keep wanting to sleep instead of go to the office.

And I'm a bit of a vindictive bitch. Meaning, I profit emotionally sometimes from the failings of others. But whatever. Most of the time, I blame myself for their failings, so I suppose delighting in them might just be progress.

What I'm not is worried about my weight. It's not a non-issue, because you can't be fat in America and have it be a non-issue all the time, no more than you can be most anything in America and have it be a non-issue. But it's pretty much not an issue. I am so happy about that.

I shouldn't have bothered with diets or food that didn't taste good or what other people thought of how big I was around. It didn't make me happy. It never would.

I shouldn't have waited this long to get here.