i miss my friends
September 24, 2002 07:32 AM

How self-indulgent is it to title a journal entry the last line from the last entry you wrote? How pretentious to be inspired to write by your own writing?

As I see it, I'm just continuing on from the last chapter. This is the rambling novel of my life. [Now, that turn of phrase was undoubtedly both of the abovementioned qualities.]

I feel bored and unmotivated. There are lots of changes going on at the office and no clear big picture. I need the picture big and assembled. This picture is one of those damn photomosaics, with all the little photos rearranged so it's just this jumble of smaller pictures. I have a hard time not seeing the smaller pictures as useless.

The end of the year tends to be this way.

Last night I started thinking of the whole world as a vast stupid conspiracy. Not a conspiracy, per se. But just this mass of jumbled stupid people. I've been relating to others in the most meaningless ways, which makes me cranky. Though. I've achieved an impressive level of perspective, namely - the ability to perceive others' stupidity and ignorance as purely their own, not as a failure on my part to recognize their inner light and/or educate them.

There's probably something else going on, because I rarely look at stupidity and assume it's universal. And I rarely see universal stupidity and think "well, let's just give up, then." I don't know if it's the job at the very bottom of the wedding cake or what, but I probably ought to figure it out. Quite possibly it's all about the nebulousness of my job.

I think I have a solution. At least a partial one. I need to spend more time with my friends. They're never stupid, rarely ignorant, and not likely to argue with me over something trivial beyond belief. They won't lend structure to my disconnected work life, but they're a hell of a lot of fun.

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