mirrors in the funhouse
December 29, 2000 02:55 PM

Shock and surprise, we all have self doubt. I'm totally in love with my new find, Malkavia. Even (maybe especially?) her condemnation of others for failing to listen to her and love themselves. Yes, we all suck. I fail myself a hundred times every day, by fearing to be outspoken, by taking back my anger, by being less than perfect. As much as I talk about the body's politics, it is more the politics than the body that frustrates me.

More than once in the past few days I've told someone online that I'm a (basically, self doubt means I have to make it conditional) happy fat chick. The result seems more often than not to be that the tellee assumes my source of doubt and frustration is worry that I'm ugly and unloveable. Truth is - and this is a new discovery for me - what upsets me is how different my perception of my body is from the way the world perceives it. Sometimes I mouth the media's words, but the truth is that I feel great. I don't understand why stores don't like to make clothes for me (did I mention I'm a SHORT fat girl?). This is frustrating, considering that I'm average size for an American woman. Except that I'm short, that is. And I try to explain why this mall inequity exists. The only explanation must be that I am fat and ugly, right? Nope.

I used to have a friend with the opposite problem. She wore a size 0, and was shorter than I. Do you know how hard it is to find clothes that size? Nearly impossible. She had to wear bright-colored versions of normal clothes as found in the kids' department. And shoes were even more impossible! Maybe people like her are rare, I don't know the statistics on how many American women are tiny. Shopping with The Girl made me realise how much everything in American culture tends towards the middle. Things are marketed towards the biggest mass, which any bell curve will tell you is the middle. Funny thing about clothing is that it's marketed towards the perceived middle, which roughly a size 8 for women and a 34 waist for men, not the real average sizes of people.

This is fascinating. We're like a whole country of perpetual dieters. We're my loopy aunt, who has a closet full of clothes she outgrew 10 years ago. Because we're really that smaller size. This weight gain is just temporary. If you believe it well enough, it will come true. Right?

Hey, go read my cuntzilla entry, too. And this chick is fabulous. Futurebird also has a lovely entry up today.

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